One-half of a decade Spent walking with Christ, Striving to obey, And abiding in the Vine. 10 years before that When I fearfully agreed. I didn't want hell— The reward for dirty deeds. Frightened, I obeyed Except the times when I didn't. I felt much better than the rest As they wallowed in their sins. Once a month or so, when an awful thought would surface: "I am not any better..." I'd stuff it back where it'd be missed. I wanted to condemn All the filthy flagrant wretches, The culture that I live in, And Satan's evil clutches. I wanted to escape The overpowering feeling— That the sin I saw out there Was also inside me. When I finally came to grips That Christians still sin too, My hope finally flickered out And I had to face the truth. I was horrified to find I couldn't save me from myself. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep my sins on the shelf. It was terrible to find That I'd have to trust in Christ, And to really truly live I'd have to really truly die. But the "I" that'd have to die Was not the deepest "I" I'd found. There was a deeper "me" inside That could barely make a sound. Suddenly the tension Between my body and my soul, The things I wanted badly Were puncturing the hull. I knew I wanted Christ Like the river wants the sea, But the broken me replied, "We can revel in this disease!" I knew that he was right—in part— Because the flesh does satisfy. The flesh has given me comfort, While God only promises eternal life. Why don't I get it? WHY don't I get it? Why are my affections set in mud? Why can't I be amazed In the presence of such love? My fickle, wandering heart, Like a willy-nilly dog, Keeps chasing its tail Rather than following the song. Jesus pulls me from the muck But my flesh wants to go back, I break free and stain my conscience In the mired, stenchy black. I fall upon my knees Repenting once again, While in my heart I'm pleading, "Can you make me not love sin?" I wonder if it's me, If I'm more broken than the rest. They all seem quite able Or maybe just more blessed. Can I somehow find a way To no more bow down to my sin? Can I someday worship God And hear his voice above the din?